Archive for Love and Relationships


I know others may feel by the time you get into your 50’s and 60’s anything that happened to you in your childhood should be done: you should be over it. And it certainly seems so, but I am afraid it is not that simple. We can all work on ourselves and try to change and reprogram ourselves. To understand what happened to us and make peace with it and resolve it so we can move on. But there are some things that rip into your soul so deeply, that even though you know them not to be true and that they have nothing to do with here and now, when they get triggered, the pain of those feelings can be unbearable. This happened to me today. I wrote a review for a restaurant that was not favorable. It was not abusive. It merely stated the truth as I experienced it. A waitress from the restaurant wrote me back and scolded me for writing the review. Reprimanding me, for not taking responsibility for my own dietary needs. She did not have the full story. She did not know that I do take responsibility for being vegetarian when I go into restaurants, but she still felt empowered enough to attack me for expressing my views. And that is certainly her right. Not the more “customer service” driven individual obviously, but she still had that right. So, now I am dealing with the emotional after effects. And I know enough to know, in reality, it has nothing to do with her, she is just a trigger. But the feelings of unworthiness run rampant. The desire to just go and hide in a dark place and “not be seen or heard” is overwhelming. The deepening wishes that I had not been born screams at me. How could this be so real, now after all this time and work? How can it be such an overpowering part of me that I can’t just “shake it off?” Part of me wants to let her comments go. The other part wanted to angrily attack back. But instead I decided to write to her and said first: I had a right to post a review. But also suggested to her , another way of talking to people might bring them back to the restaurant not drive them away and also let her know that she did not have all the facts of the situation. Now I sit here, actually scared to open my email in case she “comes at me again.” I can only wonder, what was done to me that I am so afraid? What happened to me growing up that undermined my right to live and express myself? I know many of these answers. But as I work through this present moment, I am still amazed at how deeply we can be scarred and how “real’ those scars can become when the right balance of circumstances present themselves. So, what am I going to do? In regards to the waitress. Whether she responds again or not. Sit with it for a couple of days until the emotions quieten. Then decide. A mantra from one of my favorite books THE POWER OR RECEIVING is RECEIVE EVERYTING; DECIDE LATER. I need to look at what is happening in my life that brought this on. My other favorite mantra is: “This is empowerment, not punishment” What I am doing that is threatening this old program? The program that tells me, “Quick, go hide, you are not safe to seen. You were not meant to be born.” Maybe this script that I am coming close to completing will change my life. I am sure there will be critics. And I ready for that? It would seem not. Maybe the fact that I have a little extra cash and am more independent is unnerving me. I know the first thing I have to do is get out of victim mode and “spiritually thank” the waitress for triggering this. I need to take a deep breathe, confirm with myself that “I am safe in this world,” and keep writing, and keep living and keep doing my “work.” Possibly go back to the restaurant and try again. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr, that’s scary, think about that later! But having shared this, I feel better. Having written it, I now can own it. I still don’t’ want to open my emails, but I will deal with that later, Right now, I am going to go out in the world and be seen and be safe and try hard to shake it off.



The waitress wrote back and apologized and we were able to find a middle ground.


Too often people try to hide what the feel are their shortcomings or limitations.  They are viewed as weaknesses or things that put us at disadvantage but the only thing that makes them a hindrance to us is when we don’t acknowledge them and learn from them.

By acknowledging and respecting your limitations you will find that the parameters your limitations set for you will also

lead you to your gifts and opportunities.

Everyone has limitations, and you will find anyone who is successful spends as much time learning about their limitations as they do their gifts.  Sometimes more.

By acknowledging your limitations does not mean you’re being limited by them. Actually it’s the opposite, by knowing your limitations you become empowered and it helps you go in search of your true strengths rather than trying to fake you are good at something when, in reality at this point in time, it is not yours to have.

Our limitations are not going to go away just because you want them too.  The old quote “ I don’t’ know I don’t’ care, I can’t’ see it so it isn’t’ there” just does not work, at least in this instance. 

I actually prefer:  “sometimes your windshield and sometimes you’re the bug,” but what is neat about this is as humans, the times when we re the bug, if we KNOW WE ARE THE BUG we can avoid those windshields!

The more you ignore your limitations the more you become limited by them.

Whenever you take on something in life, you need to look at the situation honestly, taking in to consideration your strengths and your limitations when it comes to succeeding at the task.

Now by accepting your limitations is by no means my telling you to not do things.  What I am saying is acknowledge your limitations and do the things in such a way that you set yourself up to win not to fail.

This is shown to you all the time in people with physical challenges who are still climbing mountains, reaching success in areas that others would think they have no place even trying to succeed in.


By accepting their limitations and making the accommodations so they work for them.

As an example, I recently counseled someone who called me for advice about an opportunity they had come across but it was on his boss’s dime and was questioning whether to keep it secretly or go tell his boss.  Others had told this person “ go in and demand that he give you at least a third of what he makes,  that’s fair, it was your lead,”  sound advice maybe if you are Rambo,  but this person wasn’t’ Rambo. 

They weren’t the courageous and aggressive type personality and his boss was.  Realistically, there was no way he would be able to stand up to his boss, who was a tough guy, and stand his ground when his boss pushed back.  It seemed fine to give him the guidance to go in demand he got a cut of the opportunity because he found it, but realistically, he did not have the personal make up to do that successfully:  that was his limitation and just by wanting it to be different was not going to make it happen.

So what was my guidance?  I told them to be honest with him as to what he felt he could successfully ask for from the boss.  The bottom line was the boss was top dog and that wasn’t’ going to change and this person was the employee so no matter how you cut it,  he wasn’t going to be able to demand anything and come away victorious.  By taking that action he could end up fired and lose the opportunity all together. Not to mention feeling beaten up and seeing themselves as a weakling when they weren’t.  They were someone who did not work with his limitations.

They were much better to go to the boss in a more submissive positioning, tell the boss about the opportunity and propose a third cut.  The chances of this kind of boss giving it to him was slim,  but by taking this approach his chances of getting something were a lot higher than what they would be if he went in and demanded that the boss give him a third and they would get to keep their job and their dignity.

Now is this fair: maybe not,  but it’s a fact,  those are the limitations of the situation and by acknowledging them and approaching accordingly,  they stand a much better chance coming away with something,  including his ego intact.

On closing note I say to you, embrace your limitations and instead of focusing on what they seemingly deny you look to where and what actions they are pushing us instead.


The concept of expressing appreciation is not new.

But I think the power behind this concept is decidedly undervalued and misunderstood. Many people think it simply involves being grateful for things in our lives, “thanks for my food, for my friends” etc, and that most certainly is a big part of it, but the idea of “appreciation” goes way beyond saying “thanks” when things go well. Appreciation is even more powerful when we can appreciate our problems, challenges and seeming, “bad luck.”

By expressing “appreciation” for those more difficult situations, we set forth a tidal wave of energy that will bring about huge change in our lives and also the lives of those around us.

I believe it will literally change our karma or life path in the way that we experience things in our lives. The first thing to be aware of is when something “happens” to you it is your personality or ego that determines that is “bad” or “against” you. It measures the event against your past experiences and from that determines how much weight will be assigned to the incident. How angry you will be, how guilty, how punished you will feel: how effected on many levels of your life. It also determines how quickly you can move on from it and to what extent this particular incident will affect you karmic ally.

The universe is energy. Where we focus is where we send our energy. And the more we focus the more the thing we are focusing on becomes part of our karma because the more of our energy is directed to it and it will hold. The more energy, the more lessons it holds for us. And the bigger “deal” it becomes in our life.

The power of expressing “appreciation” is that when we have an obstacle or set back, instead of feeling angry or victimized and sending our energy rocketing towards that life condition, we express appreciation, our energy then is directed to feeling safe and protected. We, in that moment, make a conscious choice to align our karmic path with support and being loved instead of being punished and persecuted.

One of my favorite mantra’s I always repeat when things “go wrong” is:

This it to empower me not to punish me. (Or persecute me) Now I know what

I know what I am asking is not easy, especially in situations where the emotions are very high, but in those times, it is even more critical to enforce this redirection of energy.

Our emotions are breeding grounds for energy, both positive and negative. Emotions are gauged by our ego or personality based on past experience, so if we are not careful to be mindful of where we “send our energetic” commitments, we can unknowingly, be recreating our past and reliving it on into the future.

But, APPRECIATION derails those emotions and activates a cosmic “reset button” that takes the ego out of the driver’s seat and puts it in an observer’s seat, where it can learn and free you up to make more sound decisions, untethered by your past.


I found this out really recently, or maybe, I finally paid attention to the fact, for as the reality set in, it really, really hurt.

So, I wanted to try and establish, at least for me, the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.

For two reasons: so I don’t have to feel so bad and so deeply betrayed ever again, and, probably even more importantly, I don’t place too much responsibility on someone who never wanted it in the first place.

Friend versus acquaintance can be easy to confuse as your relationships develop, but I think a lot of it depends on the environment in which you know them.

For me, friends cross over in to all areas of your life.  Not always physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  Acquaintances are corralled in one area of your life, with an occasional straying to a restaurant or meeting outside, but nothing consistent and those occasions normally happen on the heels of some kind of event which is somehow connected to the original environment you met them in.

Say, for example, you are involved in a sport and you know them through that area of your life.

Acquaintances don’t really know you, they know you as something they identify with, which is determined again by the environment that you met in, but they don’t know you, and they don’t care to.  An acquaintance will resist getting too many details about other areas of your life.  They will absorb enough to be polite and to seem “friendly” but not enough to be tied in too much outside of their already established comfort zones.

Friends on the other hand, are in every part of your life. Maybe, sometimes, too much, but none the less, they are there because they do care about you and they do want to know you in all of areas of their life and want to be involved in all areas of yours.

Friends are people you can see anywhere or any time of day or night, and it is not triggered by a certain environment to make it happen; it seems to happen by itself.

Friends are people who think about you and know your needs enough to where they will let you know if they see something that would benefit you or harm you, and let you know about it.  It stays with them, until they see you again.

Acquaintances, not so much.  And this can be misleading, for while you are in that environment that you know them from, they are very attentive. They “know you” it seems and they really “care about you.”  They remember to ask you things or bring you things:  it creates a real sense that they have your back, but if you take them out in to the real world, or your complete life, they can’t come through for you because, they don’t really know “you”.

And it is not their fault: they are an acquaintance, not a friend.  Acquaintances cannot be held to the same expectations that friends are.  They have no emotional responsibility to you.

As an acquaintance, they know you are part of a scenario in their life, and within that you have meaning, especially if your presence there, benefits their presence there, but you as an individual really don’t offer them anything outside of that scenario.

Have you noticed people who you meet in an environment, if you offer to go get something with them, or invite them to something you think they might like to do, that have nothing to do with that environment, will often refuse and not have time?

One of your first signs that “this is not a friend, they are an acquaintance,” and that is great.  Acquaintances make great pseudo friends, in the right element. Just don’t do like me and expect them to have your back, or remember you in any other situation except ones that benefit them. And of course, if you drift from that environment, or if they drift, don’t expect to continue having a relationship with them outside of a polite, “hi how are you,” from time to time.

And of course, there are friends that aren’t worth “spit” when it comes to holding up their side of the friendship.  You are always the one calling, or driving them around.

I think in those cases, they need to get moved to the “acquaintance” list, and not prioritize them in your life.  Because if you don’t, you will expect too much of them, be disappointed when they don’t come through, and then perhaps have a tiff and lose them as both an acquaintance and a friend.

And most times, with people, you have to take them at their best when they can give it to you, recognize when you are being “shined on,” and be okay with both.



One of the techniques I teach every day to help people become more effective in their lives is the integrating of the three selves.   These “selves” are; emotions, intellect and spirit.  For something to be effective in our lives and for us to grown and flourish from it each of these aspects must have a piece in it.   Our intellect tries to protect us by ruling the material world and tries to create stability as far as finances, shelter, food and security.  The emotional self only values things if they are fun.  In order to feel safe the emotional self needs to feel it can identify with something; that they are understood or accepted by others  and hence not feel alone and the spiritual aspect is driven by us always trying to become more and seek out that makes up truly happy without it being completely defined by our intellect or our emotions.

Often when we go and hear someone speak and they get us gunned up and we come out feeling like we can change the world for the next couple of days, and then suddenly reality sets in and it falls away and seems like it almost never happened,  is a perfect example when each of the selves is not equally involved in a decision in our lives.  The speaker appealed primarily to your emotional self.  Their objective normally is to get us so inspired that we over ride the reasoning that the intellect might be wanting to throw at us: the voice of reason,   then you leave go back to your life and then the intellect will start to “shoot down” all the dreams by making it clear that this won’t work because it doesn’t make “cents.”  It is impractical.  It is not safe.

This happens all the time with all of us.  The outfit we had to have that we never wear or returned.  The job we hate but we stay in because  it pays the bills.  The person we love but can’t stand any more.

All of these types of situations and telling you that you are missing one of these essential pieces.

It is either: no fun; not secure, financially or it doesn’t move you towards being happy and a higher purpose.

My next couple of blogs are going to look at each of these selves and further break down their role in our lives.  You will be amazed at how quickly things can turn around once you use this technique in every decision you make.  Once you get your  head around it,  it will be fun and easy to do and their is no limits to what you can accomplish.

Communicating with an Emotional Being

Let’s talk a little more about the emotional self,   sometimes known as the small self but not to be confused with the “inner child”.   The concept of our Inner Child is some thing totally different which we can discuss  at a later date.

So things to know about our emotional self are:

The emotional self feels safe when it is able to identify with the person or situation at hand.   Similar to a child the emotional self wants to be liked,  needs to be heard and doesn’t respond well  to any form of judgement.  It is very important when someone is tied to their emotions that things seem fun and uncomplicated.  They do not do well with reality when it confines them or limits their perception of freedom.

When communicating with someone who is  controlled by their emotions, trying to “talk sense into them” is a total waste of time.  All they are hearing is that you don’t respect them,  understand them or care about their feelings and what is important to them and they will dig in and it will be war!

If you feel that you are a very logical and reasonable person then you are probably governed more by your intellect so when you come up against someone in their emotions you will get totally frustrated and instead of trying to bond with them you will alienate them by trying to reason with them to take a rational point of view; preferably yours.  Good luck with that.

When trying to communicate with someone who is an emotional being you need to first speak in their terms.   With emotional people everything relates to the senses not the mind.  Say you are describing the car you want to buy.  An intellectual person will say something like:

I have researched all the data on this car to be sure  it to have decent  gas mileage, and from what I can determine it’s by a reputable dealer and will have a good resale price for when we want to upgrade later.

an emotional person;

I love this car.  It can go really far on a tank of gas so I will be able to get from home to the ocean for less than $10 so i can spend what I have saved on lunch.  This brand has great colors and fabrics in the interior so it feels wonderful when you are sitting in it.  It’s engine make a great sound too,  so it is really exciting to drive!  And sales man has the same type of dog I have,  how neat is that.

Now these are extreme examples.  What you ideally want is something in the middle,  a blend of the emotions and the intellect.

To get anywhere with someone who is emotional you must find a point that you can bond on, emotionally.  They have to trust that you are ‘like them’ enough to not judge them and disregard what they are invested in. Once you have done that then you can try to introduce some logic to them,  again from the point of view of the senses and what would be fun.

So,  you need to get your emotional friend to go to the doctor and they don’t want to.  Stating all the dangers of not going and the fact that they need to take care of themselves will not work.  Coming more from the point of view that you know it’s scary and you will help them find a doctor that they like and when you are done you can go for ice cream or to do something fun to celebrate will be a lot more successful.

Our intellect feels safe when it is financially provided for.

Emotions feel safe when they know they have others that like them and understand them.


People claim they do many things in the name of love. Love gets a bad wrap when it comes to people who enable. I believe those that enable, intellectually believe that they are taking their actions from love, but emotionally it is about control.

 Enabling is not a selfless act but a selfish act. It is all about what the enabler needs, and nothing of what their “victim” needs. Yes, I said victim, because those who are targeted by enablers are victims.

 They get their lives stolen just like a murder victim, the only difference is they are still breathing. But they still have had their lives stolen from them. Their connection to spirit is high jacked by someone who doesn’t believe there is a higher purpose to life and only they can save them.

 Enablers are predators. I know that seems like a hard thing to say,  but it is true.  They are drawn to people with low self esteem, or personality traits that lends them to taking the ‘easy path.” Perfect pray for enablers. In many cases, enablers groom their victims over time, especially in close relationships, like lovers or family, but saving the day so many times that the person doesn’t notice that they are losing their personal power.

 Enablers have lost their faith in a “greater power.” They have somehow had their personal experience with a greater source stolen from them. Somewhere in their lives they have felt like a failure, and inside still do,  and the only way their can validate their lives is to “save others,” only the saving requires that the other person lose their life.

You simply can’t save someone who is empowered and doesn’t need saving.

 It is imperative to the enabler that the person they target never gets a sense of their own power by their own means. They may become empowered as a direct result of the enablers actions, but at some point that will slip away and the cycle will start again. For example, they let addicts live their lives without change instead of getting some sort of therapies for addictions or rehab help, such as Delamere Rehab or others that you can see when you click here at their website: for more information.

 Enabler’s personal disconnect from spirit causes them to believe that those they target need them. That without them they couldn’t survive. That they are the only one that “loves them” and if they don’t step in and “take care” of them, no one will. For the enabler, there is no greater plan at work. They believe that their lack of faith in spirit extends to their targets: that they are not loved by spirit either.

 If you are an enabler you always find fault in the other person. They need to be flawed, useless, unable to provide for themselves. You need to be able to justify taking over their lives and stepping in between them and their higher power in order to “protect them” and exalt yourself.

 Enablers deny others the right to their karma, to their life experience. They isolate others from the very things that empower them and give them strength of character: life. They deny others the right to have their own life experience, good or bad.

 Enablers manufacture a false, limited life for their victims and all paths that lead away from the enabler are buried beneath the carnage of lies, failures and lost dreams.

 Enablers are cruel and selfish. They ruin lives. They corrupt love. And the sad thing is: they still never find any peace for themselves. They live within a nightmare that they have created.

 Their life becomes trapped in the lie that they create in order to justify their own existence and reasoning for their actions.

 And the really interesting things about enablers, and maybe the most ruthless part about is:  most enablers know that they are enabling.

They see the damage they are doing. They get told by others. They see it in their subjects life and the fact that they are not changing. But they don’t seem to care, or from my experience, want to care. What they need is more important. Their personal struggle with a ‘greater purpose,”  drives them to have to prove that only they can step in and save others.

 Enablers are not stupid people. They are very aware of what they need but they somehow get lost and instead of focusing on what they need to change in their own lives, they zero in on others who are not as strong: isolate them from the world, position themselves as sole provider and live out their need to be right or effective through the scenario that is created, unfortunately, not only at  the expense of the other person, but also themselves.

Enabling is not a full  filling life condition.

I see it as a lonely one,  a haunted one.

Regardless of how this article may sound I sincerely feel for those who are compelled to enable.

I pray for anyone who does not know that they are loved for who they are by a greater force than human kind.

But that does not excuse the choices enablers make.

Being an enabler is not a death sentence. There are ways to stop.

 The first one is to reconnect with spirit. With something higher than yourself.

The next step is find someone else to take over as care taker of the person you are enabling.

This will be a hard, but if you don’t do it you won’t be able to help yourself or the the other person.

 These are only a couple of steps. There are many more. There is also the dynamic you have created with the people that you have been enabling that needs to be addressed. After having lived in the “fish bowl’ you created for them, they are not going to be able to just break free.

 It takes time. But it is doable.

 But the most important step, in my opinion anyway, is really learning to trust that something greater than you is the solution to not only their lives but also your own.



 One thing I remember so profoundly is when I was coming from a life as a professional wrestler and moving into a life of a spiritualist, was a day when I was sitting around at a metaphysical center with some witches, psychics, astrologers and numerologists and healers. I became aware as I looked around this room at the indescribable power these women possessed.  None are large framed or particularly tall.  Nor were they menacing, well not in that moment.

 They would seem like your regular gals if you saw them on the street, but sitting here in the metaphysical store with full permission to be who they were they were brimming over with this unfathomable power and I couldn’t help but think back to the times my father would abuse my mom, sis and me.

 Maybe he sensed this power.  Maybe at times it rose up in something we said or did, or perhaps in our very way of being submissive, that he was fearful of our ability to stand up to  him, silently. And, maybe, though our physical forms wept, were bruised and screamed out, maybe from where he was, he could sense this power, this unspeakable power.

 A power that he knew he did not and could not possess.  This power that thrives within every woman.  That can rise up and we can walk away from the abuse.  We grab up our children and walk out.  Maybe men who abuse sense this power and know that they can not beat it.  They cannot claim it as their own. How frightening it must be to see someone half your size but yet still has an essence about them that screams out through their stillness, “You can’t beat me. You can kill this body but I will be born stronger and I will be born wiser next time we meet, it will be different.”

 Feeling that power in the room, I would have been scared if I were a man that needed to abuse women to feel in control of my life.  If I had been someone that needed to name something, to make it tangible so I could kill it or capture it. Within these women, and within myself thrives this power.

 The strength of spirit: the strength to rise up again.

To be made of a fabric as strong as steel and soft as down.

 In that moment of awareness I felt safe, I felt invincible and I felt pity for my dad, who with all his physical strength, and violent temper and power to withhold money and his love, that he would never know this power as his own.  It would always haunt him, and leave him lonely because his wretched soul could not grow fast enough to befriend it and I can only imagine how lonely he must have felt to be able to see and sense this power in women and know he can never have it, it would never be his.  To be physically superior in strength and still know deep within, it will never be enough to win.


This is an excerpt from my book: YOU ARE WISER THAN YOU THINK

You can read the full book in the On Line Book Store


In every moment that you are alive you are communicating on some level, otherwise you could not exist. Communication is an energy exchange that occurs as you interact with life. Often, it is the communication that occurs unconsciously between people that shape our lives and relationships without our even knowing it. Communication is in every essence of our being. Communication lies within our words, our actions, our thoughts, life examples and also, in the absence of any of these things.

 What’s that you say?

We all know that, to some degree, the problems we face from day to day are due to a lack of communication. Many of us have a mythical belief that if we knew the right words at the right time our problems would be solved.

If it were only that simple.

  Modern version of communication

For many of us, if we were asked for the definition of “communication” or “to communicate,” we might say:

 “Communication: the ability to express yourself and your views in order to influence others and get what you want.”

 Though the dictionary meaning is:

Communicate – to convey knowledge or information about: to reveal by clear signs: to transmit information, of thought or feeling, so that it is satisfactorily received.           From the Merriam-Webster dictionary

Communicate – to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood: to reveal clearly, to manifest.       From Your

In this book we are going to consider a new way to communicate with people, our pets, our world and ourselves. Let’s start by redefining the value system for communication.




 Simply put. The more you care about someone or something, the harder you try to help them understand.

Redefining Communication

1        Good communication is not about you it is about “us.”

2        To communicate well, the other person’s needs must be equal to our own.

3        For our communication to be heard we must speak in terms that the other can identify with.

4        Sound communication allows the other person to move at a pace that is comfortable for them and acceptable for us.

5        Effective communication will give them enough information to make a decision that is in their best interest as well as ours.

6        Sincere communication comes from our heart and not our head.

7        For us to communicate our needs we must first understand our needs and take responsibility for them.

8        Courageous communication is when we are willing to point out our own shortcomings as quickly as we would, theirs.

9        Communication makes a difference when it shares the truth of a situation, as we know it at that time, whether it is in our favor or not.

Lost communication

1        You cannot lie and communicate at the same time.

2        You are not communicating if you are withholding facts, using niceties or changing the information in a way so that you “win.”

3        Communication is not occurring if the only voice you can hear is your own.

4        Your communication has failed if the other party comes away with nothing.

5        Communication cannot begin if you have no interest in learning about the other party and their needs.








The only fool is the one that closes their heart,

 It takes courage to love and wisdom and a belief that God is with you,

 Because of our connection to God we have agreed to give others a chance to love,  to love God and to love us:  it is only by our willingness to open our hearts and put ourselves at emotional risk can this occur.

 Sometimes they fall short:  no matter how hard we try:

 But God has not failed to see every effort or moment you put in to loving “one of his flock” and God has not let your pain go unheard by the divine’s heart.

 Of course, that knowing does not stop the feelings we have as humans.

 But just know, loving is one of the greatest challenges God will ever ask of us, and as great as the highs, are the lows.

 But I believe being in service to spirit includes having the courage to love…

 So I salute you…….